


One sided

by Anonymous



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Ben Mitchell Loves Callum "Halfway" Highway, Ben says it, Break Up, Callum needs to hear it, Deaf Character, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Getting Back Together, M/M, Wrote before, never posted
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2020-03-24
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:26:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23136901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Callum loves Ben and Callum's sure Ben loves him too, it's in the way he kisses him, holds and touches him, soft, warm and sweet and he thinks Ben loves him too, he does, but if that's so true why has he never heard it back?Callum loves Ben, he does, but sometimes he wonders if that's all there is to it."I don't love you"Callum hears Ben's words in his head, in the quietest places, lying next to Ben in the night.Or Callum supports Ben but Ben pushes him away and in the end Ben fights for Callum.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 12
Kudos: 111
Collections: Anonymous





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this over a week ago and forgot to post it, there is two chapters, it was meant to be out before the episodes started airing, so sorry if it doesn't match what goes on in canon, hope you enjoy regardless :)

Ben is pushing him away and distancing himself, his defense mechanism in any situation he can't control and Callum understands, he does, because Ben is walking around aimlessly in a world without sound, muted, only hearing bits and pieces, fragments, of the familiar voices of the people he loves and Callum is going to be there for him, _wants_ to be, not because of some obligation but because he loves him, hearing or not.

"I'm not learning no sign language, Cal, so drop it, alright?" Ben snaps, ripping the leaflets out of Callum's hand that the doctor had given them and folding them into his jacket.

"You know what the doctor said...if the operation don't work, we need to be prepared" Callum says, Ben watching his lips to catch what he's saying.

"I said drop it!" Ben snaps, walking away from him, Callum nods awkwardly to a passing doctor who gives them a look as they make their way out of the hospital.

Callum won't drop it though, Ben didn't drop searching for him some weeks before and Callum isn't about to drop this now.

* * *

"How did the appointment go?" Jay asks, jogging up to them as they make their way to the cafe, "Appointment" he repeats, when Ben doesn't catch what he says.

"Ask Callum, here, took notes didn't ya, babe?" Ben snides, "Probably better off being a doctor then a copper, the way you was parroting on.."

"-the doctor said we should probably learn sign language in case the operation doesn't go the way we want" Callum says, cutting through Ben's remarks.

"Makes sense" Jay nods, Ben rolls his eyes and barges past them and on in to the cafe.

Ben doesn't say much over coffee and Callum's attempt at small talk doesn't pull Ben out of his rut and at some point he gets a text on his phone and quickly grabs his jacket,

"Needed at the Arches" Ben mutters, eyes still fixed on whatever message he received.

"Do you want me to come?" Callum asks and Ben glares at him.

"Think I need you to follow me around translating everything? Like some idiot!?" Ben snaps and Callum shakes his head because he didn't mean that.

"-Because I don't Callum. Ain't you got somewhere else to be, someone else to bother!?" Ben finishes, draining his cup and turning to leave.

Callum watches him leave, a sigh escaping him.

* * *

Ben makes his way to the Arches, the message from Danny causing anxiety to swirl in his stomach because he wants, no _needs_ , to make sure Danny don't find out about his hearing, he has a reputation.

Ben watches the man closely as he approaches him, plastering a look on his face, he watches carefully as the man speaks.

He manages to make out some words, nods in the right places and Danny seems content and leaves, taking Ben's hand in his, shaking it before leaving, clearly not noticing any change in Ben.

Danny wants to meet with him later and discuss business, that's what's he gets from the conversation, he smiles to himself, it worked.

Ben remembers the look on Callum's face and swallows down the guilt for snapping at him, for calling Callum a bother, knows his boyfriend will of taken that to heart.

He looks up when a hand touches his shoulder, Stuart.

"You not want to be with Callum?" Stuart questions, looking around, "his assessment, has he gone early?"

Ben stares, he doesn't catch when Stuart says entirely but he sees, _Callum_ and _assessment_ and his heart sinks in his chest, the assessment was today, _god_ , how did he forget, why didn't Callum say something?

"You forgot." Stuart says, eyes angry.

Ben ignores the older man and heads off to find Callum, his assessment is not for another half hour so he hopes he can find him before.

"Cal? You here?" He says making his way in to the flat, Callum has been staying at the house since the kidnap but his belongings are mostly at the flat so he figures Callum will of gone here for his suit.

He pushes away the _irrational_ thoughts, the _fear_ , that come to his head as he enters the flat, recent memories of the previous assessment come to mind, Keanu, the red tie,

No _Callum_.

"Callum?" He calls again and Callum makes his way out of the bedroom, looking good in his suit, as he fumbles with the blue tie.

"Here, let me" Ben says chuckling at his boyfriends fumbling attempts.

"You should've told me" Ben adds, finishing up the tie, a hand resting on Callum's face, making him look at him.

"It's not important-" he starts.

Ben watches closely, _not important,_ shaking his head "Don't. Of course it is, if it's important to you, then it is to me, I shouldn't of forgot-"

"You're here now" Callum says with a smile.

Ben puts his other hand on Callum's face, kissing him gently.

Callum is pulling on his coat when he asks, "Who was that guy?"

Ben stares, "Guy?"

"At the Arches" Callum furthers.

"You following me around now?" Ben questions, anger building in his stomach.

"No, I just saw you with him. Looked important" Callum replies.

"What it looked like, Callum, is none of your business" he snaps, starring at his boyfriend angrily.

"So it was someone dodgy then?" Callum says, hurt in his eyes, "You said you stopped" he adds, speaking clearly so Ben can catch the words as they form on his lips and something about that just angers Ben further.

"What is it to you, Cal, you know there's elements of my life you don't need to know about!".

Callum stares, "Do they know about the hearing?" He asks, gesturing to his ears.

Ben glares, "They don't need to, it's not important" he says angrily ignoring the look Callum gives him, "Keep out of it, Callum!" He tells him and turns away, anything Callum says disappears in to the silence.

Moments later Callum makes his way out of the flat and Ben watches him, feels bad that he's heading off to his assessment upset, hates that he is responsible for the kicked puppy look on his boyfriends face.

Every bit of him is telling him to go after him, to grab his hand as he passes, apologize, but he doesn't.

He mutters _good luck_ to an empty flat and hates himself for it.

* * *

Callum makes his way back and knows his assessment was a failure, the feeling of disappointment heavy in his chest, he makes his way in to the pub, the laughter and voices only add to his sadness and Callum suddenly feels a wave of loneliness wash over him.

"You not waiting for Ben are you?" Ruby questions and Callum frowns looking up.

"Oh it's just he's in the Club so thought maybe you'd got your wires crossed on where to meet" She says with a smile.

"Oh yeah, thanks" Callum says, plastering on a fake smile as he pretends to know what on earth she's talking about, he checks his phone and sees no message from Ben about meeting anywhere and after earlier he doesn't know if Ben would even want to see him but heads off in direction of the pub anyway.

Callum stares and recognizes the guy Ben is sat across from as the guy from the Arches earlier.

Callum turns to leave but staring at Ben who is looking focused at the man in front, he looks _lost_ as he stares at the man who is talking wildly about something, hands going around the place and Callum doesn't give it much thought before he's sat down next to Ben.

"Callum?" Ben startles and the man looks him up and down and Ben turns, "Danny I -"

"Who's this?" Danny, Callum thinks, asks, "Is this the boyfriend?" He says, somewhat mockingly, "You bring him to all business meetings then?" 

Ben catches _boyfriend_ and paired with the mocking look on Danny's face, laughs akwardly, "No, course not" he turns again to Callum, a silent _What are you doing here?_

Callum gives a reassuring glance to Ben and Ben turns back to Danny.

"You can continue" he says and Callum feels Danny's eyes on him, suspicious.

"Callum you say?" Danny questions, voice laced with something Callum doesn't quite understand, he frowns, nodding, "Yeah, Callum" 

"This wouldn't happen to be the same Boyfriend going for the police now would it?" He says, turning the question to Ben, his voice says he already knows the answer.

Ben stares at Danny as he asks Callum something, he looks like he's barley containing his anger and Ben sees the cruel edge, the anger on his lips as he speaks to Callum and Ben puts a hand on Callum's thigh doesn't know _what's going on_ , doesn't know what Danny is _saying_ but he doesn't _like_ the look he's giving Callum and specially not when Danny turns to him again a dark look in his eyes.

Ben stares and it's blatant he doesn't catch what Danny has said and Callum just stares at Danny because _how does he know anything about the police? How does he know anything about him?_

Callum is about to get up and leave because everything about this just screams _bad idea_ , but the moment he stands Danny grabs him by the jacket, roughly yanking him forward and Callum yelps, the injury in his ribs stabs with familiar pain, burning red hot and _painful_ , he hisses in agony as Danny pulls him harder.

Ben jumps up when Danny lunges across at Callum, "Hey, hey! Get your hands off him! Let go of him!" He says, scrambling to get a hold of Callum.

Ben can hear his heart beat in his ears, as he gets a grip on Callum's shoulders pulls him back, a protective arm between Callum and Danny, he sees red as he catches the look of pain on his boyfriends face, he has been the cause of one too many bruises on Calllum's body, _keanu,_ he thinks.

"Don't you touch him! you lay a finger on him and I swear..." he threatens, Ben turns back to Callum, he lays a hand on his back briefly before just hovering them over his boyfriends slightly hunched figure, "You alright? Cal, you hurt?"

Callum shakes his head and Ben turns back to Danny.

Danny laughs, looking him down, "You'll what..you don't even properly grasp what I'm saying do ya?" He questions.

Ben stares, "Temporarily. It's temporary" he says, "Don't affect business" .

Danny just stares a moment, shaking his head, "I think it already has, don't you?" he finshes, gesturing to Callum.

Ben glances at Callum as Danny walks away, "What were you playing at?!" He snaps, he doesn't mean to yell at him but he still sees the way he had Callum in a vice grip, seconds from punching him, in his head and he's angry, _really_ angry.

"I was trying to help.. " Callum starts, trailing off, hoping Ben can read the words on his lips.

"Yeah!? Look what that did!" Ben yells, "You just can't keep out can you?"

"No. I won't keep out, Ben, I was trying to help" Callum says but Ben is turning away hand in his hair so he reaches for his phone instead, texting,

_you didn't know what he was saying, I was going to help u! That's all I've been trying to do and no matter what u say, I'm going to stick around_

Callum sends, they are now stood outside the club, the cold air a harsh contrast from inside.

Ben scans the message quickly, rolling his eyes, "Yeah!? Well maybe I don't want you around, Callum" Ben snaps, "Ever thought about that?" 

Callum stares and watches Ben leave, he doesn't follow, just stands there, Ben's words bouncing around in his head,

_You're not worth it_

_I don't love you_

_Maybe I don't want you around_

* * *

Callum loves Ben and Callum's sure Ben loves him too, it's in the way he kisses him, holds and touches him, soft, warm and sweet and he thinks Ben loves him too, he does, but if that's so true why has he never said it back?

Callum loves Ben, he does, but sometimes he wonders if that's all there is to it.

 _"I don't love you"_  
Callum hears Ben's words often in his head, in the quietest places, lying next to Ben in the night.

And he tells himself Ben hadn't meant them, that in Ben's world that's him protecting him, protecting Callum from getting hurt and that's true, but sometimes he does wonder, wonder if there is truth behind Ben's words.

Sometimes he wonders if he's kidding himself.

* * *

Callum doesn't hear from Ben the rest of the night, he spends the night in the flat and the following morning as he is making his way across the square Kathy calls out to him.

"Callum, love" she starts, "You couldn't have a word with Ben..getting arrested for stealing a car, I don't understand him, I really dont, but he listens to you" Kathy says clearly thinking that Ben's arrest was common knowledge while Callum stares blankly, mouth a gape, _arrested._

"Stealing a...what, when did this happen?" Callum says, mind trying to make sense of it all.

"Last night. After I saw him leaving the Albert with that man" Kathy stops, "Sorry, I've put my foot in it haven't I..." She finishes, uncomfortably, Callum tells her it's fine and she leaves, squeezing his hand, a quiet _sorry love_ as she passes.

Callum makes his way to the Mitchell's, _arrested,_ he shakes his head, _car theft._

he ignores how his heart _sinks_ , remembering what Kathy said, Ben was leaving with another _man_

_maybe I don't want you around_

~~_I don't love you_ ~~

Ben is eating a bowl of cereal when Callum pushes the door open, "Arrested. You stole a car" Callum says, clearly, closing it behind him.

Ben rolls his eyes, "Not now, alright"

"When, Ben?" Callum asks, "You can't keep doing this"

"I can do what I want" Ben drawls, in that disinterested way he does when he's had enough of a conversation.

"You left the Albert with another man?" Callum continues and Ben looks at him for a moment, "man. Another man." Callum repeats

"What? You think I cheated on you" Ben asks and there's a mocking tone to his voice and Callum just shakes his head, suddenly _so tired_.

Ben frowns, "I didn't" and Callum doesn't say anything, "Cal, look at me, nothing happened" he says and the mocking is gone and Callum just nods after a moment, because he believes him, he does, never really thought for a second otherwise but-

"What's the problem then?" Ben asks, words quiet.

"I think maybe I am" Callum responds, because these last few days he can't do anything right and everything he does angers Ben and the doctor didn't think stress was good so maybe it's for the best,

"I think I should stay at the flat for a bit, stay away you know?"

Something akin to fear flashes in Ben's eyes for a second before he puts down the bowl.

"Why?" Ben asks and his eyes are wider than usual, "Stay away? I don't understand -" he says, furrowing his brows and starting at Callum intently.

"I think it's for the best" Callum repeats because Ben is self destructing and so far Callum feels as though he's only making things worse and he won't do that, he loves Ben- wants to be there for him, but he doesn't know if Ben _wants_ that, sometimes he feels like he does, sometimes he feels he don't.

Most the time Callum wishes Ben would just tell him.

"..the best?" Ben says, flat.

Callum reaches in to his pocket for his phone,

_I think you need time to figure out what you want and I don't know if that's me, Ben, not right now, you need to focus on you_

he taps send before adding,

_I'll still be here if you ever need me_

Ben reads the message, "I don't need you!" he snaps, scans it a few more times, expression unreadable before he composes him self, lips drawn a tight line before he looks up at Callum, 

"Not right _now_?" Ben says, "The hearing that's the problem ain't it?"

Callum shakes his head, typing another message,

_You know that's not it._

Ben reads the message, "Things not quite the way you wanted Cal, not the way you imagined them when you left your fiance on your wedding day-"

Ben stops catching the wounded look on the other man's face, can almost _hear_ the hurt noise Callum makes when he steps back,

_I didn't imagine any of this, didn't expect anything, not u, not Keanu, none of it_

"Callum-"

Callum shakes his head, "Don't Ben" he snaps and types out another message, he's tired and he's tired of Ben taking out the anger on him, he understands the anger, he does and he usually deals with it because he loves Ben and he's always been so sure Ben loved him too because at times it really feels like he does, then there's moments like these when Callum thinks he's been lying to himself, that no matter what he gives, it'll always gets thrown back in his face some time later and he _cant_ , not anymore not until he knows Ben wants the same, feels the same,

_I didn't cause this Ben, I get that you're angry but it's not my fault and I just can't deal with this anymore, I love you Ben but I think it's time I stopped waiting for you to feel the same_

Callum presses send, doesn't wait for Ben to read it before he walks out, tears in his eyes and hot on his cheeks as he walks away. 


	2. Chapter 2

_I didn't cause this Ben, I get that you're angry but it's not my fault and I just can't deal with this anymore, I love you Ben but I think it's time I stopped waiting for you to feel the same_

Ben doesn't know how long he stands there, just starring at Callum's words, at some point he pulls a chair out and just sits there, when Callum had walked out he'd been tempted to go after him, torn between yelling at him, telling him how he _didn't need him_ , desperate to get the final word, then there was the other part, the part of him that just wanted to go after him, to stop him from leaving because Ben is the one that walks out, that throws everything away, not Callum, _never_ Callum and it seems so _wrong_ , so final because no matter what Ben says or does, the lines that he crosses Callum has _never_ walked out.

Callum has always remained by his side and repaired any of the messes Ben has made.

Callum doesn't walk out, not without coming back.

Ben stares at the door and feels a weight tugging in his chest, weighing heavy, he sits there, tugging at his hair, guilt and anger, anger at himself swirling around in his stomach, the pulling in his chest, _twisting_ , because he just _let_ Callum walk out, all because he's too scared of telling Callum how he _really_ feels, he'd rather have Callum think he doesn't love him then admit to how much he feels for him, because it scares him, the amount of _love_ he has for Callum _terrifies_ him.

Ben reaches for his jacket, pulling back his chair and for the first time he goes after Callum.

* * *

Callum ignores a bunch of messages from Stuart even a few from Mick, asking about the assessment, about how it went and Callum doesn't reply, mutes the sound and grabs a beer from the fridge and hopes Stuart don't come looking for him.

_~~Knows Ben wont~~ _

He's on to his third Beer when he hears someone make their way in to the flat, he rolls his eyes, finishes what's left in his can, feels the buzz from the alcohol rush to his head slightly when he stands, hopes Stuart will just walk in and not notice something is up and head back out because he doesn't want to discuss it, not right now, he still feels an ache in his chest the alcohol numbing it slightly but it's still present in his-

Callum looks up, shock pulsing through him when he sees that it's Ben standing there, 

"Callum" Ben says, making his way closer to Callum who rolls his eyes stumbles slightly on his feet and when Ben reaches out to steady him he pulls away, 

" _Don't_ , Ben...what are you doing here?" 

Ben catches the words on Callum's lips when Callum pulls away and Ben feels his heart jump because Callum is pulling away from _him, from them._

"Just..- Just shut up, alright?" Ben starts, ignoring the look that appears on Callum's face, "Let me talk, don't interrupt, I won't hear you anyway so, just listen, alright?"

Callum just stares and doesn't respond, _good_

"The stuff about you and the wedding...I shouldn't of said it, I'm sorry...I just wanted to- I knew it would hurt you that's why I said it-" 

"Why would ya-" Callum begins and Ben shakes his head because he needs Callum to listen, needs to say this because not saying it is driving him away and Ben won't do that, not anymore.

" _Please_ just listen to me Callum" Ben pleads because he has to say it.

"I don't wanna.. I _can't,_ loose you, when Keanu...when you were taken, I couldn't do anything, you were gone and I didn't know where and he was _hurting_ _you_ and I thought he was going to... he told me he was gonna kill you and I was so _scared_ , Cal, I was _loosing_ my mind...I was _this_ close to shooting my dad if it meant you was safe..." Ben says, gesturing with his fingers to how close he was.

He knows he's rambling, words in a desperate rush to get out, climbing over each other to be heard, sees the look on Callum's face, the suprise, the shock, like he doubted Ben cared and Ben looks away because he _can't_ look at that,

"When I saw you lying there you weren't moving and I-" Ben feels how his voice cracks when he speaks, emotion welling in his eyes, "I can't loose you, I don't want to loose you, Callum, I don't need time to figure it out, alright? I know how I feel and it scares me how much I.." Ben trails off, looking up at Callum, 

"-It scares me how much I love you" Ben finishes and Callum doesn't say anything and Ben feels desperation tug in his chest, because he _needs_ Callum to hear him, "Please, Cal, I don't want to loose you..just, say something, _please_ " He rushes.

"I love you, Callum" Ben says again, cupping Callum's face in his hands, looking into his eyes, "and I..I know I don't deserve you -" 

Callum let's Ben hold his face, hears the desperate edge in Ben's voice, the crack of emotion, the almost wild hint in his eyes and he just stares because he used to tell himself Ben loved him, tell himself that he didn't need to hear it because he could see it in the way Ben would hold him and kiss him.

That it didn't matter that Ben would never say it because Callum loved him and other times he could've sworn he imagined it, that he was just kidding himself but he stares at Ben now and knows without a doubt that Ben feels the same.

That Ben loves him.

"Stop, Ben" Callum says and sees the look that flashes on Ben's face and wipes a tear from Ben's face, reassuringly, "I'm still here" he says clearly, hoping Ben will understand.

Ben feels relief hit him like a punch to the gut, breathing out he gently pulls Callum in for a kiss, "I love you, Callum, I love you" he mutters, pressing his forehead against Callum's.

"I love you, too" Callum replies and Ben wraps his arms around him, pulling him in for a hug, Ben speaks gently in to Callum's ear hand on the back of his head,

"I promise I will do better, Babe. I promise, alright?" Ben says because he doesn't want to push Callum away anymore, doesn't want to deliberately say things that will hurt anymore because Callum deserves better and Ben wants to be better.

Callum pulls back, "I know" he says, lifting Ben's face up to look at him, "You will"

Ben nods, knows that this won't wipe away the things he has done, but he does know that he doesn't want to be that person anymore, he's tired of pushing Callum away, shoving down his emotions and replacing them with cruel words, he doesn't want to hurt Callum, he _loves_ him.

Ben reaches in to his pocket, taking out the creased leaflet, straightening it out slightly, _An_ _introduction to sign language_

Callum watches, placing his hand over Ben's, "I love you" he says once Ben looks up at him,

Ben closes his eyes, breathing in, "I love you too" he answers back and he doesn't feel so scared anymore. 

**Author's Note:**

> Comment, kudos etc :)


End file.
